This Week in Anime

Ladies Hentai Gets Short-Shafted

Micchy
Hey Nicky! Welcome to the team here at This Week in Anime, where we regularly shoot the shit about whatever new anime crosses our radar. It's great to have another person join in on the fun of picking apart the seasonal hits and hidden gems. Unfortunately for you, we've all got to pay our Bad Show Tax at some point, and for you that means we're throwing you in the deep end of dirt-cheap crappy ladyporn. Enjoy!

You joined at a really good time! So, if you've been paying much attention to the site lately, I'm sure you've heard of this little BL anime called The Titan's Bride. It's being distributed internationally by Coolmic, the latest in Cool Japan ventures of questionable market-savviness. Thankfully, the service has been putting it up on YouTube in lightly edited form so anybody interested can have a taste before committing to dropping several bucks on five minutes of smut.

Sorry, did I say lightly edited? I meant cut in a way that reminds me of watching anime in three parts on Youtube back in the day of undiscerning content filters.

Which makes me question the point of putting it all on Youtube in the first place! The TV version has the naughty bits covered up to comply with broadcast regulations, but it still leaves enough visible/audible that the audience can fill in the gaps with their imagination and then shell out for the uncensored Blu-ray version if they still crave the full experience. YouTube, on the other hand, is fairly stringent about any sexual content at all, so what we're left with is the setup to a porno and none of the payoff. There's teasing, and then there's a chopped up "preview" that blueballs the viewer so often it starts feeling like a joke. Points for having different censor alarms for every show, though: a buzzer for the sexy fireman, a mokugyo for the sexy priest, and a home screen voice line for the fantasy gacha game giant with a broken neck.

They made that anime already and it's called Fate/Zero.

In any case he's a generic fantasy prince with an enormous schlong. I mean I assume his ding-dong is huge, but it's hard to tell even in the uncensored cut. Which brings me to the more important issue: at five minutes a pop, there's almost no way Titan's Bride or A Lustful Night Mingling with a Priest is going to have any more than the barest outline of a story; the point of these things is the sexytimes for an audience of women who don't have a huge selection of animated porn available to them. I'm not even going to pretend to judge them on their narrative merits; we all know that's not the draw here. It really comes down to whether the porn is any good or not, and that's a matter of taste.

You might wonder if Fire in His Fingertips is called such because the firefighter love interest is good at playing with his lover's ladybits. You'd be wrong, of course. The only thing this guy's good at is being kind of a creep.

Not that something you watch to get off to has to be subversive or even thoughtful! But it's pretty disappointing that in a market where already women have so little a share, almost all of the stuff that gets animated appeals to the same one or two kinks. Cool that the women out there who are into dominant fictional guys can fill a theater for a screening of softcore porn, but I can't help but feel that any other tastes are underserved. You might attribute that homogeneity to a lack of demand for alternatives, but I wonder how much of that demand is manufactured/perpetuated by the marketing itself.

Pretty much. You'd be paying for third-rate softcore where you don't know what to expect, since unlike actual porno these things don't have titles like "Getting Rawed By My Childhood Friend Who's Now A Priest." Some of the titles come close to being that descriptive! But if you want to pay for smut you know you'd like you may as well throw a few bucks to your Patreon artist of choice. I can't say that the experience of watching these shorts - both edited and not - is entirely boring though. For instance, there's that part where the priest tries to NTR his own brother.

Yeah, I'll give 'em this much - of all the shorts to give a marketing push, Coolmic at least picked the least ugly one.

I've seen enough sexy One Punch Man fanart for a lifetime, thank you very much.

Now that's one hardboiled egg! Unlike the one in the priest anime whose face seems to melt when it comes in contact with human flesh.

At the end of the day, while I respect that Coolmic's pushing smuttier titles intended for audiences besides the usual T&A-liking dudes, I can't recommend the shows themselves when they look terrible and are hardly even sexy. Props for trying, but nah.

Let the wooden fish sound into your heart, Nicky. This is only the beginning.